In the recent months the ghost of my past has reared its head. Its like someone opened closet door and it all just fell at my feet. Wanting to just shove it all back and leave it alone. It was God telling me the hiding has to stop this must be dealt with because my child your worth it and healing must begin.
I have done numerous broadcast and post in the past about sexual molestation, abuse, rape the list goes on and for many years I felt I had dealt with all of it What I have realized I have become a pro of covering up my own pain by being there for others while inside I was breaking. When we have been brought up or lived in an environment that is physically/emotionally abusive as children we take that burden upon our own shoulders and wonder if I would of done this or that would it of been different? Could I have done something to prevent it. The fault we put upon ourselves when the whole time it wasn’t our burden to carry. We even go out of our way to hide the truth of what is going on and protect those that are harming us.
Then to be molested later on as a child by someone who was providing care for us while my step father was working. Waking up in the middle of the night to this man touching me in a inappropriate way scared me. To this day I am startled easy and if woke up by a simple touch on my shoulder will scare me. I recall my husband saying to me ” its sad I cant wake up my own wife without her being fearful”. It isn’t something I’m consciously thinking about after all I’m sleeping. It is things that we have experienced in our past like these examples that show us the impact it can have on our lives. What angers me and saddens me at the same time is we that have experienced these things or any kind of trauma are the ones dealing with it while those that inflicted these things on us are going about there business as though they did nothing wrong.
Due to things that I have experience by the hands of men in my childhood it has made me not able to trust men. It is though I expect them to hurt me in some way or have the I will hurt you attitude before you can hurt me. The running from situations that are uncomfortable or triggers from my past are those things I have been really trying to work on with my Christian counselor. For those that harmed me doesn’t give the right to hurt others with my words. I believe any type of abuse is wrong and inexcusable. In God’s word he speaks of the defile of our mouth.
18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”
I am so guilty of saying horrific things to those that I claim to love. How is any of that showing love? it’s NOT! The truth is I am taking out on that person what was done to me when it doesn’t fix the problem it makes it worse and I’m inflicting on them the same fatality that created insecurity, doubt, fear, anger, self destruction in me.
Living alone for the rest of my life would be easier than trying to make a relationship work because in order for it to work I would have to work on me. Relationships (Marriage) isn’t taking its giving. It’s really listening to the other person and compromising when you don’t agree. When times get rough you see it through and don’t allow Satan a foot hold in that relationship. Truth is I believe I allowed with all my doubts and insecurities that I allowed Satan s lies to be something I believed because I don’t feel worthy of being loved and I’m terrified of being hurt.
I have three beautiful daughters that each day I pray wont make the same mistakes I have made. If I could protect them from feeling any type of hurt I would but that isn’t allowing them to learn from the decisions they make. I want each one to have confidence in themselves and self worth and to know they are such a blessing. Our Heavenly Father blessed me with them and the love I have for them is overwhelming. I speak to them or see them and my grandchildren it melts my heart because my relationship with them means the world to me. The love I have for them does not waver nor does theirs for me even when we don’t agree. With all I am all I have wanted was for them to never experience what I have. They are so precious to me.
Loving my family comes with out effort. Yes I have made mistakes along the way as a parent but who hasn’t. I have even apologized to them for those mistakes and asked for forgiveness.
What is it like to really let go and trust and know someone is gonna love you through it? meaning the opposite sex.your husband or wife. To not be afraid to say or do the wrong thing or they will leave. To not be put down or demeaned. For them to understand your not asking them to fix you. We all have our own ghost in someway but until we have walked in there shoes what right do we have to judge anyone?
Our Heavenly Father’s love is like know other. He wants to heal he wants us to be happy and at peace not fear. Our problem is we want to control situations that aren’t ours to control let alone another persons. He is in control and until myself and others that struggle with similar issues let go we will keep repeating the same cycle.
What I have learned in counseling is that for years I have been a “people pleaser”. It’s not a good thing when we continue to neglect ourselves or our self worth when God shows us daily that we matter. We just have to learn to grab a hold of it. To call upon him and know he is really the only one that has our best interest at heart. He knows our heart better than anyone.